


Only the dead have seen the end of the war.

by JustAnotherGhostwriter



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: F/M, Gen, tw: Animorphs. That should make you emotional by itself., tw: mentions of PTSD, tw: minute mentions of self-harm, tw: this series is about war so everything is blood and angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2013-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-11 18:10:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/801621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnotherGhostwriter/pseuds/JustAnotherGhostwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A group of 8 ficlets/extracts of larger fanfictions (that don't exist) that were spawned by my Animorphs re-read. Features mentions of Cassie/Jake, Rachel/Tobias and the Jake/Rachel cousin relationship (or lack thereof). Different themes, different POVs and different levels of angst. Title quote by George Santayana.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Extract 1: Older

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, re-reading the Animorphs series finally led to me writing fanfiction. Yes, I did promise myself it wouldn’t come to this (look how well that turned out.) No, this isn’t a complete fic – it’s just eight little extracts of eight larger fics that I’m never going to write because a) no time and b) lazy. Yes, I’m aware most of them are pretty bad/OOC. Yes, you’re free to use them in any and every way you want. If you do, please link me, though? Simply because the more Animorph fanfic there is out there, the happier I am. Uploaded from Tumblr because Chromatographic asked so nicely.

_Rachel_.

“Chapman wrote a _book_?”

Marco’s total scepticism irked me. “Yes, Marco. A book. That’s what intelligent people _read_ out of. You know, when you put letters together to form words to communicate with people?”

“And you’d know _all_ about that level of intelligence,” Marco snarked back.

 The reply was hot on my tongue when Jake interrupted in that calm way of his that makes everybody shut up and listen instinctively. “You’re sure it’s Vice Principal Chapman?”

“ _Yes_ ,” I snapped exasperatedly. “I _did_ go inside the store and check the back cover for the author picture.”

“Wow. Rachel went to the mall and the first shop she entered was a _book store_? The end of the world really is coming.”

“I can make the end come quicker for you, if you want,” I offered Marco sweetly.

“All right,” Jake said, effectively cutting through Marco and I again. Jake rubbed his forehead. “Since Chapman doesn’t seem the author type we have to assume it was written post-infestation. And the only reason he’d write a book _has_ to do with the Yeerks.”

“So what are we going to do? We can’t destroy hundreds of books. Some are probably already bought,” Cassie pointed out.

Jake’s rubbing became more violent, as though he was trying to conjure up a genie to solve all our problems. “I don’t know,” he admitted heavily. “I think we should first figure out what’s _in_ the book before we decide how to fight it.”

“Our next big Yeerk-fighting attempt is to _read_? What’s next, beat them by watching a movie?”

Jake ignored Marco and looked instead at me. “Did you happen to get the price?”

“Yeah. It’s not pretty. I don’t know _who_ would pay that much for garbage.” I hesitated and glanced at Tobias. He got my drift and inclined his head.

{We could always… You know. Distract and grab,} he said casually.

Jake shook his head. “Nu-uh. Firstly, that’s a total abuse of the morphing powers. You _know_ that.”

“But if it will help us _save the world_ ,” I began to argue at once, sure that stealing one little book was a lot less damning than half the things we’d done in this war.

“Secondly,” Jake said calmly, speaking over me without effort. It annoys me when he does that, sometimes. “We have to assume that the bookstore owner is a Controller. I mean, how many bookstores are there in that mall. Did you see any of the others carrying that book? Any others anywhere else? He’s going to notice if there’s a commotion and one goes missing. They’ll know we know. And there might be security cameras and all sorts. It’s better and less risky to _buy_ it.”

“And use it for scandalous things afterwards,” Marco muttered.

“How are we going to pay for it, though?” Cassie asked. “Tobias and Ax have no money, period. And I don’t know about you guys but I’m flat broke.”

“I left my million in my other jeans,” Marco said dryly. For once I didn’t leap at him; there are some lines you don’t cross.

{I could work for money,} Ax suggested helpfully. {I got a job once.}

{Er… Yeah, no offence Ax-man but that wasn’t a very _good_ day. Let’s leave that for the _last_ option, okay?} Tobias suggested.

“I have some saved up,” Jake put in. “Still from when I was going to buy new shoes for basketball.”

That seemed like years ago. And I could tell I wasn’t the only one who thought that; everybody gave a little start at the reminder that there had been a time when all we’d had to worry about was school and sport.

“I have a mall voucher left over,” I finally said, reluctantly. “I was going to buy a new outfit with it,” I grumbled.

“Right,” Jake said briskly. “So Rachel and I will go home and pick up the money and we’ll all meet in human form in the mall. Stay in groups of two or three to look like we’re not together but be alert _just_ in case.”

I rolled my eyes at his paranoia. “Sorry to burst your plan, 007, but it would be much easier if we _all_ just went to your house and then mine. Since they’re both on the way to the mall, and all. It’s a Friday afternoon: nobody’s going to look too closely who you’re walking around with. Everybody’s bored and just relieved the week is over.”

My plan was agreed on, although Jake and Marco still looked a little hesitant at the big group thing. Since we were going into public spaces that required proper clothing, Ax and Tobias morphed human in Cassie’s barn and then we caught a lift with Cassie’s dad, who was luckily heading into town, to Jake’s house. We all hung around outside while he raced upstairs to get the money. I think it was because we all knew Tom was home. We weren’t _scared_ of him – at least, I wasn’t – but there was just something about us traipsing awkwardly through Jake’s house while he watched and made connections that made us all stop without a word at Jake’s door and wait.

He was quick, calling an apology to Homer who was trying desperately to come along and play with us. As we walked away, however, the front door opened and Jake’s mom stuck her head out the door.

“Jake?”

“Yeah?”

He turned at once, automatically hiding the money and trying to look completely innocent and unphased. I could see the tension in his shoulders and could practically hear the cogs turning in his head. What had he done wrong? What had he said that had made her come after him? Had Tom noticed? Would this take long? Tobias and Ax only had two hours, after all. But Jake’s mom smiled when she saw us all.

“Oh hi, kids. You guys heading towards the mall for some fun?”

“Uh… yeah…” He hesitated, then forced himself to ask. “Why? Did you need me to…?”

“Oh, no, it’s okay. I understand: you’d much rather spend time with your friends than your boring old parents. You guys have fun. I just wanted to know where you want to go for dinner tonight?”

“Uh…” Jake’s mind was too focused on wars and Yeerks and Controller-principals writing books. “Uh… I don’t… Tom can choose?”

“Don’t be silly. Of course it’s your choice. Where do you want to go?”

Another choice for Jake. That’s all he seemed to be given these days: choices. “That new place just down the road? Dad said it looked good?” Jake just wanted to get out of there.

His mom smiled. “Okay. I’ll make a reservation for seven. You kids have fun. And if you see something you really like, let me know so I can tell Grandma.”

“Sure…” I could tell he was trying very hard to hide his confusion.

Luckily his mom closed the door with only a parting wave.

“What’s she going on about Grandma for?” I asked him, completely lost.

Jake shook his head slowly. “I have no idea. That was weird. We never go out on a Friday night for dinner. And when we do Tom or Dad always get to choose.” He stared at his front door for another moment before seemingly shaking himself and turning to continue to my house.

We walked in silence. Jake had a little furrow between his eyebrows. Everybody kept stealing glances at him. Even Ax seemed to understand that his mother wasn’t acting normally. I think we were all thinking the same thing: had the Yeerks gotten to her, too? Cassie walked as close to Jake as possible without being obvious, trying to give him some comfort. I kept thinking over my aunt’s actions, trying to find ways that proved she wasn’t a Controller. The thing was, you could never be _sure_. And she had been acting strange…

We got to my house and I went in alone again, slipping into my room with a hollered hello and then a hollered goodbye again as soon as I had the voucher in my hand. I heard my mom call me from the kitchen but I didn’t stop, not wanting to waste any more time or be asked too many questions. Unfortunately she too followed me outside.

“Where are you off to? You promised to do chores after you went to the mall. Oh.” Her gaze, surprisingly, softened out of her lawyer frown. “Hi, Jake.”

“Hi,” Jake answered back, trying to smile and almost managing it.

My mom sighed. “All right, fine. But you had better do your chores when you’re done with Jake, all right?”

I simply blinked at her. Since _when_ had my mother given up on an argument? _Ever_? She’d argue that the sky was purple if given the chance. I glanced at Jake and saw the wide-eyed surprise on his face too. What was _going on_ with our parents today?

“Are you guys going out for supper, Jake?”

“Uh… y…yeah…” I hadn’t seen my cousin looking that utterly confused in a long time. At one stage of my life it would have made me laugh. Now it just made me scared. “To the… uh… new place…”

“Oh, that’s nice. I hope you guys have fun.”

“Thanks,” Jake said uncertainly.

My mom didn’t seem to notice, thankfully. “And I’m sorry I didn’t sign the card. Rachel took it to her room to sign and just never gave it back. Not that there would be much room anyway; you know how Sara is with her drawings.”

Comprehension dawned across Jake’s face at the same time it slammed into me with the force of an oncoming truck. The card. Jake’s _birthday_ card. Today was Jake’s birthday. Now that he knew what was going on, Jake slipped into his “in control” mode at once, thanking my mom and making some small joke. I was not put at ease. Anything but. Today was Jake’s birthday, and not one of us had remembered. He was my _cousin_. I’d known him literally my whole life. We were _family_. And I’d forgotten. I turned my eyes onto the group standing behind Jake and saw guilt and horror dawning there too. Marco met my gaze and the look I saw in his eyes actually made my heart ache. Even Marco had forgotten. Marco, Jake’s best friend since diapers. Marco, who had been at every single one of Jake’s birthday parties since forever. I wanted reassurance from Tobias, but he was muttering at Ax, probably explaining birthdays or something. And still Jake talked easily on, telling my mom how it had been a rush to get to school that morning so he hadn’t received any presents yet or anything.

“Well, I’m sure your parents are saving up for next year. That’s the big one. Sixteen. Soon you’ll have to make the serious, grown-up decisions.”

Jake looked like he’d been slapped. I felt like I’d been slapped.

“Yeah,” Jake replied, but his smile was so forced it was painful.

We escaped my mom quickly after that, heading to the mall once more. Jake was much more relaxed this time, probably relieved at the explanation he’d been given. I couldn’t bring myself to be too happy. We’d forgotten. All of us had simply forgotten. We were in a war, yes, but we were supposed to hold on to normal things like that. If we didn’t… if we lost that… We were still human kids, for crying out loud! How did we _forget_?

“All right, so I guess we can each read a couple of chapters? No need for everybody to read the whole thing,” Jake said calmly.

Immediately back to the war. Immediately back to the Yeerks. Never mind _us_ forgetting: Jake had forgotten his own birthday. It had completely and utterly slipped his mind _. “Soon you’ll have to make the serious, grown-up decisions.”_ For one of the first times ever, the mission didn’t excite me at all. We were slipping. And that was one of my greatest fears.


	2. Extract 2: Retribution

_Cassie_.

We’d been in countless battles against Hork-Bajir, Taxxon and Visser Three’s monstrous morphs. We’d snuck out late at night to go roaming around the city, had climbed and crawled and swum into hundreds of dangerous places. And we’d made it out of all of those physically unscathed; nobody but us had been around to see the wounds before morphing took care of them.

Obviously I knew we couldn’t possibly be that lucky forever. I hadn’t, however, expected us to be put on the spot because of an _accident_. It just shows you that life goes on around us, even as we fight. It’s hard to remember the whole world and all the fates don’t focus solely on the war.

It was a Saturday morning and I’d been set to help my parents out with the animals in our barn when Ax showed up in Northern Harrier morph, informing me that Tobias suspected a new Yeerk pool was being set up at the newly upgraded children’s play area. I felt really bad disappointing my parents by making up some very bad excuse, but I couldn’t risk the chance that Tobias was right. And if the Yeerks started taking children… They’d never tried that before. Ax said they thought human children as even more inferior and useless as the grown-ups. Perhaps they wanted ransom material. It made me sick to my stomach to think about.

We met with Marco, Tobias and Rachel halfway to Jake’s house and all of us tore over there together, keeping as close together as we dared. Jake was outside washing his dad’s car. The situation wasn’t dire enough that I didn’t notice he was shirtless. I was so embarrassed I didn’t even speak, just let the others inform him while I circled around and watched the tension grow on his face. He nodded once Tobias was done and then made his way briskly into his house, simply abandoning his task. He didn’t come out too quickly, and I could hear sounds of an argument going on inside.

“It’s Tom’s turn to wash the car, anyway,” Jake called as he opened the door and slowly made his way outside, his ‘no-nonsense’ look on his face.

I had the feeling he’d march away even if his parents were threatening him with a juvenile detention centre. I remembered the time when Rachel used to tease him because he was such a good teenager: never out past curfew, never disrespectful, never flunking anything in school. Tom’s voice carried from the open doorway, protesting Jake’s words. Jake’s dad diplomatically stated that since nobody could remember whose turn it was, it was only fair that each son did half. And Jake had already done half. Tom was outraged, roaring about The Sharing having a meeting but Jake’s dad was apparently having none of it. He snapped back about both his son’s shirking their duties and having issues about authority and that, somehow, was the thing that made my insides clench the most.

Jake had an issue with authority, all right. He had too much of it. Too much he didn’t necessarily want.

Jake was dragged back inside for the end of the argument, positively bouncing in his urgency to come outside. In the chaos, Homer made a bid for freedom.

{Homer. Bad dog. Go home,} Rachel told him sternly. Homer stopped, looking as confused as a dog possibly could. He whined and looked around for Rachel, probably wondering where she was. {Go home, Homer. Home!}

Utterly confused but still obedient, Homer started to slink his way back up the front steps, still pausing to look around for Rachel every now and then. Tom and Jake both came out the door at the same time, Jake looking edgy and Tom looking murderous. They were both in view of the neighbours and their parents and Tom would not break his cover that easily so he obviously meant nothing too sinister when he reached out and grabbed Jake by the shoulder. Jake, however, acted instinctively and twisted away as fast as he could, spinning into what he perceived as the battle even as he took a few steps back to give himself time to plan an attack. He didn’t see Homer, and Homer didn’t anticipate his master’s move. The next thing we knew, Jake was tripping right over his dog and tumbling off the stairs, landing directly on the arm he flung out instinctively.

I’d never seen Jake pale so quickly in all my life. Years of working with injured animals made me instinctively know that his arm was broken. Panic started welling up inside me. Jake didn’t so much as groan, but I could see how tightly his jaw was clenched and I knew he was probably yelling in his mind. The place he usually screamed when injured. This time, however, we couldn’t hear him.

{Jake? Jake, you okay?}

Jake sat up but instantly curled over his right arm, grimacing so deeply it cut through me.

{It’s broken, guys,} I told them all in thought-speak. {There’s no way that isn’t broken. Jake?} My voice turned gentler and more coaxing. {I know it hurts, but you have to get up and get somewhere safe to morph. Then everything will be sorted.}

He couldn’t answer, but he slowly let go of his right arm and attempted to use the steps as leverage to stand up. He swayed so violently on his feet, Marco and Rachel dipped lower in a subconscious effort to help in some way. Jake steadied himself, looking positively grey, and was about to start trying to casually make his way out when Tom returned with his mom and dad in tow. Jake desperately tried to head off his parents, telling them it was no big deal and that he was fine. Jake isn’t _that_ good a liar; they saw straight through him at once.

{Scum,} Rachel suddenly snarled, and it took a while for me to realize she was looking at Tom. He stood to the side and watched as Jake tried to worm his way out of his parents’ concern, obviously in pain. There was no expression on his face other than boredom and the hint of irritation. As though Jake’s pain was an inconvenience.  I noticed after that that Jake was carefully looking everywhere except at his brother’s face. I think that hurt him more than the fracture did.

For all his Fearless Leader persuasiveness, Jake couldn’t get his parents to believe his cover story. I suppose it didn’t help that his knees buckled when his mom pressed on his right arm. Even as he protested his dad went inside to get the car keys, proclaiming they were going straight to the hospital. Jake looked about ready to bash his head against the side of the house in frustration and pain.

{It looks like you’re sitting this one out, Big Jake,} Marco said finally.

{What do we do?} Rachel demanded, taking up control at once. Marco seemed to bank in irritation, but he didn’t question Rachel’s leadership. {Er… Run your hands through your hair for ‘yes.}

Jake’s left hand raked through his hair. He was tense, but he didn’t look up, still half-heartedly trying to convince his hovering mother that he was fine.

“Mom, it’s okay,” he said, his voice suddenly much louder. “It was just a stupid move that I’m regretting now. I should have looked better, and this never would have happened.”

We got the message; he was telling us not to be rash and to only observe for now. Rachel grumbled about it as we flew on, tentatively raising his order up for a debate. But even Ax was content to follow Jake’s direction and so she had to sullenly let it go. I worried about Jake as we flew, wondering how he’d handle the issue of a broken bone when morphing fixed all ailments that were not DNA-based or alien. Mostly, though, I worried because he was in pain. I’ve always hated animals in pain, and knowing _Jake_ was somewhere at the back of a bumpy car with an unsupported arm… At this rate my insides would be permanently twisted.

{He’s had worse,} Tobias suddenly said, and I knew it was directed at me. {Don’t worry.}

{None of us have ever been hurt like that as a human before,} I replied softly. {It’s just… It’s somehow… }

{Yeah,} he replied softly. {I know.}

We flew the rest of the way in silence, and then spent the rest of our two hours flying around the activity centre looking for clues. The construction was not done yet, so we couldn’t even morph humans and innocently go and look inside. Finally we had to dip into an alley and demorph while Tobias stood guard.

“All right,” Rachel said briskly. “So this watching business is obviously not helping anything. We need-”

“Oh, big surprise. Rachel wants to rush in and attack,” Marco snapped.

Rachel turned on him furiously and I hurriedly intervened. “Rachel, Jake said we just have to look. What if we rush in there and it isn’t the Yeerks?”

“Tobias said it was them,” she replied hotly.

{I said it _might_ be them,} he corrected calmly. {It’s not like Red-Tails have a built-in Yeerk detector. I say we should watch for longer. Sorry, Rachel, but we need to be sure for this one. There are kids involved.}

“Exactly!” Rachel threw up her hands in frustration. “Children! We should stop this thing before it has the chance to infest a single child! Come on, Ax. You see my point, don’t you?”

{Yes, I do,} he replied calmly. {But Prince Jake said to wait and watch. And so that is what I will do.}

Rachel finally conceded and actually did it in rather good grace, considering. Marco decided he’d fly back and go and check on Jake while Ax and I morphed roach to try and slip into the construction site and Tobias and Rachel remained as bird observers. Ax and I found nothing and we were all demorphing in the alley again when Marco returned.

“How’s Jake?” I asked at once, flushing when I realized how eager I sounded.

Marco made a face. “He’s not very happy about the situation. But he managed to convince the doctor just to give him a splint and not a full cast. Apparently he went on and on about casts not being ‘cool’ and wanting to fit into school and he already didn’t make the basketball team and blah blah. The doctor and his parents weren’t too happy, but he was adamant. So at least we don’t have a cast to worry about. He said to call it a day if we haven’t seen anything by the time it gets dark – The Sharing has a big meeting today so he doubts the Yeerks will try anything major tonight. He says we’ll try a more direct approach tomorrow and that he’ll be there this time.”

I frowned at Marco. “Is he going to be awake and functioning? The pills the doctors give for broken bones aren’t candy.”

Marco pulled another face. “He’s flushing them down the toilet.”

My stomach dropped unpleasantly. Yes, the medication would have knocked Jake out almost at once. Yes, if there was an emergency we were vulnerable without him. But a broken arm in only a splint with no pain medication what-so-ever? I didn’t even want to begin to imagine how much that must hurt. Marco’s expression pretty much confirmed my thoughts.

{That’s… bad?} Ax questioned, shifting at our obvious discomfort.

Rachel was the one to explain it to him while the rest of us tried very hard not to listen. Another horrible thought re-entered my mind. “What’s he going to do? Morphing will heal it. And he’ll have to go back for doctor visits and all that. How’s he going to explain a miraculous healing?”

“We’ve worked out a plan,” Marco said. There was something about his eyes as he said it that made me feel even more alarmed. “It involves Ax and me going to find Erek and his age-old doctor friends, though. Come on, Ax-man. Our leader has chosen us for this great honour.”

There was definitely something more: something wrong. Marco’s tone was far too sardonic for a plan he’d supposedly helped create that would help his best friend not to be found out by the Yeerks. I watched him and Ax fly off and wished that I could stop feeling like I had caterpillars crawling around my gut. We flew around until we couldn’t see anything any more and then headed home like Jake said. I didn’t sleep well that night; Jake gnawed at my mind like a persistent dog with a bone.

The next morning we all met in my barn after I’d helped feed and water all the animals. Jake arrived slightly late, being dropped off by his very disapproving-looking mother. I heard him reassure her that the school project we were supposedly working on wouldn’t take long. He watched to make sure she drove off.

“Wow. I can tell you and Mrs. Fashion are related: you look _gorgeous,_ ” Marco said at once.

Jake looked grey and as though he hadn’t slept at all the previous night. I honestly didn’t think he did. His right arm was in a sling around his neck but it still looked… fragile. I moved closer instinctively.

“You okay?”

He twitched his lip at me. I found myself almost demanding a real smile. “I will be,” he reassured me, reaching out and touching my wrist briefly. My skin tingled at the contact.

“So. What do we do today?” Rachel asked. Her usual snippiness was gone, though, and I knew her well enough to detect the concern in her eyes for her cousin.

“Today we take a more direct approach,” Jake said, launching into a plan of observation that would take place on three levels.

He had to take off the sling and splint before he morphed and for a while I was actually worried he would throw up. But he held on, remained stoic and morphed Peregrine Falcon. As soon as he was fully bird I knew he was all right. Our mission proved that _something_ fishy was going on in the centre and Jake agreed that if they were still working on the building in three days – two weeks after they’d initially promised the construction would be done – we were abandoning stealth and going in with force. We returned to my barn and all demorphed and the old worry resurfaced.

“What are you going to do when you go and see the doctor?”

I didn’t miss the way Jake’s face went carefully blank or the way Ax and Marco stiffened. “Erek helped me find a way,” he said.

 I knew Jake well enough to know he was hedging. The unease returned stronger than before. I looked hard at Ax and Marco and then back to Jake who had retrieved his sling and splint. “What’s going on?” I tried to be demanding. “Ax? Marco? Jake? What is the plan?”

They all tried to beat around the bush, but by that stage Rachel was suspicious too and she joined my side. Finally, the truth came out of Ax who sounded as though he was begging for us to find a way he didn’t have to play his part. I was horrified when I heard what Jake had planned. Horrified and sickened and suddenly angry that he completely ignored our protests to it. Finally he simply stopped arguing and became stubborn. That was the point I left the barn; I wasn’t going to stay and watch Ax’s deadly tail-blade break Jake’s arm again. Rachel started up the argument again as I left, but Marco came out and joined me. I took out my fear and anger on him.

“Why are you letting him do this? This is insane! Every time he morphs he’s going to re-break his arm? The doctor will notice!”

“Erek and his ‘dad’ gave us strict instructions. And Erek hacked into the hospital database and got Jake’s X-Rays. Ax knows exactly how to break the bone depending on how much time has passed so it looks like it’s healing naturally.” I could hear the distaste in Marco’s voice as he mechanically listed out the finer details of the plan.

“Why?” I whispered at him, feeling tears beginning to rise behind my eyes. “Why are you letting him?”

“Like it’s easy to stop him,” Marco snapped back at me. Then he sighed. “It’s… the safest way. Even I have to admit that. For two reasons.” I looked at him. “One because nobody will suspect anything if Ax is as precise as he says he is. And two…” Marco hesitated then folded his arms. “Because maybe this will bleed it out of his system enough that he won’t do anything really dumb.”

And finally it clicked; the niggling worry, why I was so angry and scared about Jake’s decision. I understood the real reason he’d jumped to this plan. “He’s punishing himself,” I whispered softly.

Marco’s grin was twisted. “He didn’t say so, but he thinks he deserves this.”

I heard Rachel stop arguing and knew that the deed had been done. Marco looked at resolutely ahead and warned me with a grunt when the others were coming so that I could wipe away the tears that had started to fall across my face. That was the first time I realized that Jake was not as unshakable as he made himself seem.


	3. Extract 3: (AU?) - Instinct

_Jake._

It was a stupid mistake on my part. I should have realized. I should have _thought_. There was a battle raging around me, sure, and three of my friends were in dire need to demorph before they bled out. That, however, is no excuse; I should have been focusing on everybody, not just Cassie, Marco and Tobias. It was as much a loss of control over my emotions as a lack of insight, though. I was scared. No matter how many times we go out to fight the Yeerks I’m always scared. Most of the time I can hide it away in the dark little places of my heart, but when we’re losing that badly and I can hear the sounds of three of my closest friends dying and screaming and Ax shouting that he couldn’t protect them long enough to demorph… Times like that is when the fear shakes loose. It doesn’t paralyse me; it makes me brasher. Less prone to mercy, less prone to caution, less prone to patience.

Because of that, I didn’t remember how Rachel feels about Tobias. Because of that, I didn’t realize that she’d be even angrier and even more lustful for blood because they had hurt him. I should have anticipated that she’d ignore my orders to retreat. I should have anticipated that she’d run after some retreating controllers instead, roaring furiously and deaf to anything but her own desires and instincts. I _should_ have known all this, but I didn’t. And when I followed her to _make_ her obey the command to _get out_ , I was mad. Rachel is a good warrior but _fuck_ she pisses me off sometimes. And at that moment I was not able to swallow down my anger and take her on calmly.

It was a stupid mistake, on my part. But I simply wasn’t thinking. I saw her pause to gather herself, ready to throw herself into the oncoming group of Hork-Bajir. And instead of getting her attention with thought-speak, I instead lashed out at her. I thought perhaps she’d listen if I spoke her language, if I stopped speaking and instead showed her by action that I wasn’t kidding and when I said ‘everybody get out’ I meant her, too.

It was instinct that made her react. And I hadn’t anticipated that, either. I had just stepped back from my physical rebuke, furious words ready to be hurled at her, when she roared and turned. Her first instinct was to retaliate to an attack by an unknown with an attack. And so before I could even start my tirade, I suddenly had Grizzly teeth sinking into my throat. I was so surprised, so utterly and completely unable to come to grips with the fact that _Rachel_ was attacking me, that I simply didn’t move. I just stared at her and she stared back at me. I realized later it couldn’t have been for more than a few seconds but right then it seemed like an eternity. An eternity being killed by my own cousin.

Then she was letting go and the tiger brain kicked in to inform me that it was dying. Rachel hadn’t ripped out my throat as she’d intended, but the damage was bad enough. Add it to the other wounds the battle had left on me, and it was dire.

{Demorph! Jake! Jake! Demorph!} Rachel was screaming it at me, more hysterical than I’d ever heard her.

I tried to concentrate, tried to find the human inside of me and change back to him but my thoughts were swimming. Where were the others? Was Rachel safe? She wasn’t paying attention to the Hork-Bajir that had once been destined to be her prey. What if they were sneaking up behind her? What if I morphed and I was seen? What if the others needed me as a tiger and not as a human? And Rachel… Rachel had nearly ripped my throat out…

The world went blurry and incomprehensible. I’m not sure how long the tiger lay dying before Cassie found us. All I know was that it was suddenly her hands and not the ground beneath my head, and that she was talking low and fast in my ear, begging me to demorph. Begging me to concentrate. Begging me to come back. And Cassie… I don’t want to hurt Cassie. I’d do almost anything for Cassie. Even my subconscious brain seemed to understand that, because I was suddenly human and gasping and there were three relieved humans, one hawk and one slightly bloody Andalite around me.

For the next while I was busy with finding us a way out of there. The trip back was harrowing and demoralising; it was one more battle we’d only just survived. We landed in Cassie’s barn and had a half-hearted post-battle discussion. Everybody was miserable, frustrated, scared and exhausted. For once, though, Rachel didn’t have anything to say. Not a word. She didn’t even look up from her shoes. I sent them all home, telling them to sleep and knowing that it wouldn’t be that easy. I wanted to go and talk to Cassie, but instead just gave her a nod and a quick pat before I followed Rachel who had headed outside. She’d ignored Tobias and I could tell he was worried. But I needed to speak to her. Alone.

“Let me handle this one,” I told him as I passed.

He hesitated but then took off, respecting my decision. For the time being; I had no doubt he’d go after Rachel when he thought I’d gone home. That was fine with me. I needed her _alone_ for only now. She was walking briskly, not even bothering to morph, with her arms clasped around her.

“Rachel.” She walked faster. I sped up too. “Rachel. Stop. We need to talk.”

She didn’t turn or make any sign that she’d heard me. I broke into a run, ignoring how tired I was, and reached out and grasped her shoulder. Once again, she spun around and attacked me. But this time I was expecting it. And this time it was human hands punching and slapping my chest and my face instead of Grizzly Bear claws and teeth. And so I simply took it; accepted the blows and her snarled abuses without comment because for all my bravado I had no idea what to say. The only thing that kept running through my head was a memory of years before, when we’d gone on a family weekend. Rachel had talked me into watching a horror movie rated far above our years and by the end of it both of us were terrified and trying very hard not to show it. We crawled into the tiny cabin room we were sharing and after a while an argument started on who was going to switch off the light. She got offended when I said she was scared and it was her fault, and she leapt onto my bed to attack me. Even back then she could kick my ass. I’d fought back – the ‘no hitting girls’ rule didn’t seem to apply to Rachel, somehow – and by the time we were exhausted we were bruised and a little bloody. Rachel didn’t go back to her own bed. I can’t remember who initiated it, but suddenly she was under the covers with me, rolling over so her back was pressed to mine. We slept like that: back to back, arms linked, ready to protect the other from whatever crawled out from the wooden walls or the forest that surrounded us. We never acknowledged that night. Not even when we fought or teased each other in later years.

I think it was because I was thinking of this – picturing Rachel smaller and furious without the haunted darkness in her eyes – that I did what I did next. Or maybe it wasn’t even me who did it – maybe Rachel was the instigator. I couldn’t really tell _what_ happened, but all of a sudden I had my arms wrapped securely around her and she had her head buried in my neck. I’d never seen Rachel cry before then. She’d always stomped away or shut the door in my face when the tears came before. But that time she sobbed, clinging to me as though I was her parent or somebody who could give her safety or salvation. It made me sick; I was anything but her saviour. Anything but.

“It’s okay. It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s not your fault. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

I didn’t stroke her hair or anything like that, but I didn’t let her go either. And I kept muttering reassurances into her ear until she was cried out and I was hoarse. I was very possibly lying to her throughout that time: it’s probably not okay. The road she’s taking is probably anything but okay. But it’s also very possible that they’re lies I should have told my cousin a long, long time ago.

It’s okay, Rachel. _You’re_ okay.


	4. Extract 4: AU - The Leader

_Cassie_.

As soon as most of me was human again, I began to cry. Since the war began I’d been very careful only to let myself sob when there was nobody else watching. Of course, there were times when everything simply got too much and I broke down in front of my friends, but even then I tried to keep myself reigned in. There was enough going on without the rest of them thinking they had to take care of the “sensitive one”. It was also hard enough keeping secrets from my parents without showing up with puffy red eyes every day.

At that moment, however, I didn’t give a damn who saw. In the past three years I’ve had my heart crushed and my chest so constricted with emotions that I felt I couldn’t breathe. I’d been overwhelmed with fear and pain and guilt and self-pity and sadness so terrible it could barely be named. I’d never felt what I felt as I demorphed. And the more human I became, the stronger the emotions were until my knees actually gave out under me.

Blind with tears, choking on emotions I still cannot name, I followed my instincts. I ran straight into my mom’s arms and sobbed into her chest, clinging to her wildly and not even caring that she’d been tending to an injured Hork-Bajir. The entire camp was probably staring at me, but I honestly didn’t have a part of me that wasn’t screaming left to care about them.

In my mind, we’d already lost. Perhaps earth would still be saved. Maybe. Just _maybe_. But we’d crossed a line that day. And we were never going back.

“Cassie. Cassie, baby, what’s wrong? Cassie. Cassie.”

My mom smoothed my hair, kissing my head and trying to remain calm even as I clutched her and sobbed like I hadn’t sobbed in years. My dad’s hands were suddenly on my shoulders and it just made me cry harder. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t tell them what had happened. What I’d _done_. Because it was my fault. I’d been too late. I’d hesitated. _Hesitated_. And we’d lost. We’d finally _completely_ lost the biggest thing the Animorphs ever had over the Yeerks: innocence.

I could hear Marco and Rachel arrive, could hear them demanding to know what was wrong. Tobias and Ax were undoubtedly close by. The entire camp sounded like it was circled around me, sobbing like a baby and refusing to look up and speak. Questions were fired at the others, who could only answer that they didn’t understand. And then Rachel started telling the story of the nightmare that had occurred that day and my parents held me tighter, petrified and sorry for me. They thought I was just scared. They didn’t understand how deep my guilt went. I was being ripped apart and it was _all my fault_.

“Where’s Jake?” Eva asked.

{He’s hiding the cube. We’ve decided not to risk using it again so soon after we almost lost it} Tobias informed.

I couldn’t help it. At those words I simply wailed louder. The cube. All of it for the fucking cube. And I’d _hesitated_. I’d been right there behind him. I could have… But I hadn’t. I’d been too late. And now Jake was gone.

“Cassie. Baby. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

After a few more murmured repetitions of those words I finally snapped, yanking myself free of my mother’s arms so I could stand and glare at her. I was still crying. “No, Mom. No it’s not. It’s never going to be okay again. We lost. Don’t you get it? I lost him. We all lost him.”

Understandably, everybody was a little confused.

“Cas, we got the cube back,” Rachel told me, looking a little freaked out by my reaction. “We won.”

Won. We’d done anything but win. But they didn’t know. None of them had seen. My head shook wildly. “You don’t understand.”

“Then tell us,” Eva said soothingly.

I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to have to say it out loud and make what I saw real. But they needed to know. They needed to understand. We were damned and it was all my fault. Too slow. Too stupid to see what Jake had planned to do. Too selfish to let him give up the role of leader when he clearly didn’t want it. And now? My Jake was dead. And I only had myself to blame.

“Tom had the cube,” I whispered. And I could see the scene in my mind’s eye again. “He had it and he was running away. Jake was following. I was behind Jake. Jake got shot but in the leg and he continued following Tom and… I… I hesitated.” I was sobbing too hard to continue.

The air was still confused; everybody still didn’t understand. Everybody except Marco. Marco, the strategist. Marco, who knew Jake well enough to understand my grief. He moved closer to me, gripping my shoulders urgently.

“Cassie.” He shook me a little. I could see how wide his eyes were. “Cassie, what happened to Tom. _What happened to Tom?_ ”

Somehow, I managed to choke it out. “He’s dead. Tom is dead. For the cube. Jake did it for the cube.”

Marco let go of me and staggered back. There was no sound except for my shuddered breaths as I sobbed. I found Rachel’s eyes and saw the way my words had ripped her apart. She understood _exactly_ what my words meant. Marco suddenly began to breathe prayers and curses without stopping for breath, raising his hands to his hair and gripping hard. And then he wheeled away, hurrying to where I assumed Jake was.

 _It’s too late_ , I wanted to tell him. We couldn’t save him. Marco and I had tried, but in the end we couldn’t save him. Just like with the Time Matrix. Except this time Jake wasn’t ever coming back. There was no coming back from _this_.

“No,” Eva whispered in disbelief.

Suddenly, I was angry. So angry I wanted to morph and destroy the whole camp. Destroy the Yeerk forces. Run straight at their very centre and rip them to shreds. It was irrational – this wasn’t Eva’s fault. But my anger made it impossible to blame myself. And so I blamed her. Turned straight to her, looked her in the eyes, and hurled damage at her so she would hurt like I did. Feel guilt like I did.

“You wanted a leader. You got one.”


	5. Extract 5: AU - Loyalty

_Ax_.

The humans have a very strange saying that goes “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”. I always thought it was just something funny to say; humans have a lot of those. It was very nice to say when I was in human morph and had a mouth to try out all the sounds. Marco had a way of saying it that made it sound like a song. In short, for a long time it was just words to me.

And then I understood them. Then the silly saying became like a curse spoken over my head; always at the back of my mind and always twisting the bits inside of me in helpless guilt whenever I thought about it. Because the shame truly was on me. I was the one who had contacted the Andalites and had asked them to come to earth. I had done it behind my friends’ backs, thinking the humans were not fit for this war any longer. I had been the one to organise my cousins’ landing. I had been the one to deviate over to their side when they arrived on earth, turning my back on the band called the Animorphs without a backwards glance. Later, I’d offered Tobias the chance to come and join us. He had simply looked at me and had not answered. At the time, I thought he was making the wrong decision.

It didn’t take me too long to realize it was I who had made the wrong call. Again. Had I not learnt my lesson with Samilin-Corrath-Gahar? Had I not promised Jake that he would be my Prince until he said he was not any longer? And yet, for a second time, I’d forsaken my friends – the five who had been my family for years – and had joined with warriors I didn’t even know. All because they were my _race_. Humans had words for people who did that. I didn’t think any of them were bad enough for me.

These Andalites were not traitors like Samilin-Corrath-Gahar. But they did not necessarily see Earth as something that should be saved. It became quickly apparent that they’d save the humans and their planet if possible, but would just as quickly sacrifice it if it meant winning the war against the Yeerks. I tried to explain Earth to them; tried to make them see the wonder and the glory of the planet and the strength, character and _love_ of its people. They did not heed me. And when I persisted, they reminded me of my rank. Their first battle against the Yeerks caused more damage than the Animorphs had caused in three Earth years.

It was then that I realized my mistake. For a long time, though, I refused to acknowledge it. My goal had started out being very similar to theirs: save myself, destroy the Yeerks, maybe save Earth if I could but ultimately _get back home_. When had I started seeing the wobbly, primitive, violent, brilliant humans as my people? When had my main goal shifted to protecting the planet I now loved? I did not have answers. I did not want answers.

And then, one day, I found myself at the same place my friends were. They ignored me, just as the other Andalites ignored them. There had been an unspoken concession that this was the best way to deal with each other. When it had first been learned that the humans could morph, the Andalite warriors had been understandably angry. They’d demanded the cube back and had said things to my friends that made me burn with horror and keep myself hidden. Rachel had wanted to fight them, of course. Marco had snipped back. Cassie had tried to explain. Jake and Tobias had remained silent and calm. Jake had handed over the Escafil device without fighting and, after a while, the one the rest called Prince left them alone. After that the two groups had met rarely, probably because my friends believed – like me – that the Andalite warriors would take care of the war. They no longer needed to fight. After the disastrous battle, the Animorphs had come to find us as the Andalites celebrated their victory. Never in all my time of knowing him had I ever seen Jake so angry. The rage seemed to pour out of him and even though they would not admit it, my cousins were surprised and a little intimidated.

After that little display, the unspoken ignore rule had come into play. I’d seen the five of them on several occasions since I’d realized what I’d done and had watched them morph and fight for their planet like we had done together so many times before. I ached as I watched. I ached so much I wondered if I truly was _fully_ Andalite any more. I had never attempted to contact any of them in all those times. Not until we all found ourselves at the base of the same mountain, looking to attack the same place.

It took very little deliberation on my part to walk away from the Andalites as they planned. It hurt that it didn’t hurt me more. It hurt that they didn’t notice me go. But the hurt was buried in shame and self-loathing and the fear that I would be rejected. I had shamed them, too, after all. So why should they trust me again? Why should they give me a _third_ chance when all I had were the same empty promises of before? Even with this in mind, I still continued going. If they heard me come, they paid no attention to me. I listened to their plans quietly for a while, and then suddenly could not bear my guilt any longer.

{Your plan will work better with one more warrior,} I said quietly.

Instantly all of their eyes were on me. They didn’t look exactly friendly. I wanted the earth to swallow me whole.

“Yeah?” Rachel sneered. “And where are we going to get one of those? One that isn’t a traitor, that is.”

Her words didn’t even anger me, because I knew they were true. Cassie, Marco and Tobias remained completely still and quiet. Jake – no, _Prince_ Jake – shifted a little but did not speak. I felt small and insignificant and dirty.

{I… I can help…}

“Your people are over there,” Marco said quietly.

I shook my head. It was something I’d picked up from them. {No. I made a mistake. A huge mistake. They are not… I mean… Their plans… Earth…} I wasn’t making much sense. But I looked at Prince Jake with all four of my eyes and pleaded with every part of my body. {Please. Let me help you. I do not ask for forgiveness. I just do not want to let Earth fall. Prince Jake… I will do anything to prove myself to you.}

All eyes turned to Prince Jake now. Nobody made a sound or gave any indication of what their thoughts on the matter were. Prince Jake sighed and rubbed at his face. I felt as though the floor was giving out underneath me.

“Ax,” he said, looking at me with eyes too old for his face. And then, somehow, a small smile twitched at his lips. “Don’t call me ‘Prince’.”

Happiness and relief nearly staggered me. {Yes, Prince Jake.}


	6. Extract 6: Getting Out

_Rachel._

For once, the camp was more relaxed. There was still an underlying air of paranoia and danger, but for the most part every occupant – alien and human both – was relaxing. A few of the younger Hork-Bajir were scuttling around Cassie’s mom, enthralled by what she was doing to the injured deer they’d found nearby and had brought to her. Even after three years of morphing I don’t call myself an animal expert, but that deer looked terrified. I mean, humans scare the poor things enough. Imagine being hurt and staring up at a thing that is more kitchen knife than anything else, even if they are smaller than their towering elders.

The rest of the parents were all sitting in a huddle, like the grownups tend to do at a party. Except they held no alcohol and their faces were pinched and strained as they muttered to each other in low voices. They were getting better at this ‘accepting the war’ thing, but they were still taking it rather hard. I couldn’t _blame_ them, exactly, but it was _frustrating_. I mean, it took _us_ less time to man up and accept things. At least my mom had stopped trying to run away.

Our little group was also off in a huddle. We’d tried sitting with our parents, playing Happy Families On A Camping Weekend but it just hadn’t worked. The generation gap was now the freaking Grand Canyon. It was easier just being the six of us, as it always had been. Maybe our parents weren’t the only ones having trouble adapting, after all.

Well. I say six, but right then it had turned into five. I’m not sure when Jake had got up and left, but all of a sudden I was blinking around the circle because I wanted to see what he thought about the conversation topic and I couldn’t find him. Nobody else had seemed to notice, either. I stopped whatever bitter, twisted thought sprang into life at that realization and instead carefully scanned the camp.

There he was. Right on the outskirts, sitting in the dust as calm as you please. He was away from everybody and everything but he still had us in his direct line of sight. Just in case. Always just in case.

I muttered some low excuse for anybody who cared and made my escape from the group too. Marco was being especially loud and exuberant and gave me a nice little chance to slip away without being asked questions. I guess even Marco’s big mouth has its uses sometimes. I approached my cousin slowly without really thinking about it. I’m not sure whether it was to not startle him or to give him time to run. I think it was a bit of both.

“You too, huh?” I asked casually as I flopped beside him in the dirt. My jeans were too far gone by this stage to attempt to save.

He gave me what passed as his smile, these days. It didn’t reach his eyes. “Marco’s planning his road to riches?”

“Oh, yeah. Every supermodel known to mankind is wanting his body so badly by this stage of the story.”

A short laugh. “It’s good, though,” he added after a pause. He was still looking at the group, watching Marco mime a makeout scene while the others laughed and mock-protested. “To think about afterwards, I mean. It’s good that they’re… planning…”

“And yet you disappeared almost as soon as the first ‘when the war is over I’ll…’ started,” I pointed out bluntly.

“Yeah. And you came to join me,” he murmured right back.

Well, I couldn’t exactly argue with that. I didn’t look away from him – confrontation was still my middle name – but I did feel my insides curl uncomfortably. Yeah, I’d come to join him. Because suddenly talking about what life would be like after the war had made me feel sick. Empty and sick and scared in a way that was laughable in the face of the war we were in. I’d tried to find Jake’s eyes so I could get some understanding. And I’d found that he’d _left_ because he understood more than I’d hoped. I was selfishly happy that he did.

“What do you think? About their plans?”

“I think… I think they’ll make it. Well.” He pulled a face. “I don’t think Marco will be elected Vice President because all the women in the world will fall madly in love with him. But… I think all of them will be able to find their niches. Marco will thrive on some sort of celeb lifestyle. Cassie will become one of the greatest vets in the world, after this. Ax will be welcomed a hero by his people. Tobias… will find a way. He’s got Loren. He’s got freedom. He’s got morphing power.”

He’s got me, Jake implied with his tone and I couldn’t help but blush. But therein lay the problem. If we did win this war – and I still believed we could annihilate those Yeerk scum – then everybody would be able to find a way to survive. All of them had visions for the future: plans and hopes that they clung to with so much desperation I’d practically _tasted_ it back there. And me? When I looked ahead, tried to think about after the war…

“What about me?” I asked quietly. In a way, it was a rotten thing to do. Because Jake and I had already had a conversation very similar to this. And he had enough on his shoulders without having to plan out my life for me.

 _I worry about you, Rachel_.

But I _needed_ him to. I needed him to tell me where I was going. I looked ahead and saw nothing and I was afraid. Jake had always managed to quell my fears before. Sometimes he did it by making me so mad I couldn’t be afraid any more, but it still worked. And I needed that now. I needed him to get me the hell _out_.

“Rachel, you’re the most resilient person I know. You’ll find a way.”

Jake was trying to take the cheap way out; trying to give me big words that weren’t really answers. But I was not looking for his bullshit right then. I wanted the truth. I wanted his honesty, even if it cut me open to bleed. And his evasiveness – the way he wouldn’t even look me in the eyes – made me mad.

 _I worry about you, Rachel_.

“Right,” I snapped, instantly geared for a battle. “Because it’s going to be so easy. After we rip the Yeerks apart piece by piece and they run screaming I’ll just… what? Go back to school? Battle opposing gymnastics teams? Wage war on math tests? Aggressively shop all day long? I still _like_ it, Jake.” I was aware my voice was suddenly sounding hysterical, but now that I’d started I couldn’t stop. I was scared. I was so scared I actually wanted to cry, at times. But I wasn’t lying: the battle still thrilled me. I still _wanted_ it. “Even now. We’re freaking _hiding_ in a Hork-Bajir camp and my mom and my little sisters are _right here_ but I still _like_ it. What am I going to do after the war?”

Jake’s eyes left the group, but they still didn’t meet mine. Instead he stared at the floor, his face ducked away so I could not read the expression. My frustration mounted and I wanted to grab him and shake him. Why could he not _answer_ me? Even before he’d finally given me the truth. Angry at him, I reached out and yanked him around so he was facing me.

His expression cut into my heart like cold steel.

“I don’t know,” he said quietly. His voice was not steady.

I realized, then. Jake _understood_. He understood because he was like me. He couldn’t answer me because he didn’t know himself. He’d run away from the discussion because it had scared him. Scared him so deep he almost looked like he wanted to cry, now. My fingers tightened on his shoulder. Despite myself, I started thinking of things from his side.

What would Jake do when the war was over? Would _he_ go back to school? Sit in classrooms and learn about other wars that humanity had fought in? What would he do? Captain the basketball team he hadn’t made? Would he get into online gaming or something, play the part of a general for a few hours with kids that didn’t realize how fictitious rules in war were?

Slowly I let go of his shoulder. Without really meaning to, I moved closer to him. My heart felt hollow.

“Maybe… there’s always the army or something,” Jake said, trying to keep things light. Trying to keep us both from falling into the pit I’d seen in his eyes.

“Oh, my mom would be _thrilled_.” I paused, thinking about fighting for politics and capitalism and other useless things when I’d grown used to fighting for peace and humanity and my family. “I suppose…” I didn’t try and hide the hesitation. “You could too. I’m sure they’d make you a commander or a general or something after all this.”

Even before I was finished he was shaking his head. His jaw was tight. “No, Rachel. I’m not…”

“Why not? I wouldn’t mind following you to Africa or wherever. We’d be the unstoppable duo. Black ops kind of people.”

He shook his head again, eyes squeezing shut. “I can’t. I have too much blood on my head already. I’m not… I can’t.”

His words twisted my insides yet again, but they also made me strangely angry. I turned to face him directly, once again ready for an argument. “And you think I don’t?”

“It’s not the same,” he said wearily.

“Like hell,” I said rudely. “What? You think you killed more… beings than I did, Jake? You think _you_ killed more than all of us did?”

“And who ordered you to kill them, Rachel?” he snapped back, finally looking at me. His eyes looked old. “Or, fine, okay. You think you killed them because you like the battle. Ax is a born warrior and Tobias is a predator. Fine. What about Cassie? Marco? They wouldn’t kill by themselves. Not without me telling them to. Every person every one of us has killed is because of _me_. My orders, my fault. All of them. And it’s not only about _death_.” I seemed to have opened a floodgate. “How many times have you all bled? How many times has somebody had their insides ripped out of them? How many times has somebody been stepped on or squashed or swatted? Ax has lost his tail blade. Tobias has been fried within an inch of his life. I’ve seen you without any legs. I’ve seen Cassie without any throat. That’s _blood_ , Rachel. And that’s all on me.”

“You can’t think like that,” I bit back. My heart was hammering strangely. “You just can’t think-”

“Why not?” he demanded. “How can I not?” His eyes were suddenly wild, and with a jolt I understood that the questions were not rhetorical. “If you have a way for me to not think like that… If you have a way out, you’d better tell me. Because I can’t think of it. And I don’t know how much longer I can keep from drowning.”

I’d come to Jake for reassurance. I’d received heartache and another level of fear in return. Jake was our centre. He was literally the thing keeping everybody together, keeping all of us sane and brave enough to carry on fighting. But it was all an act. All of it was just an act. Underneath he was a petrified sixteen-year-old kid who had seen too much and was possibly more lost than all of us.

I was not the type of person to show physical affection. But right then I couldn’t help myself; I scooted over and rested my head on Jake’s shoulder. He stiffened at the contact but then slowly relaxed, leaning on me as though he’d run out of strength of his own. I knew he’d find it again: he’d pull on the mask and he’d make himself seem okay and he’d lead and make decisions and keep everybody together. But inside he’d be drowning. And how could I be saved by a drowning man?

“Even if Earth wins… You and I are never going to make it out of this war, are we?” I whispered.

“No,” Jake whispered back.

I bit my lip and tried not to cry.


	7. Extract 7: AU - Crayak's Greed

_Tobias_.

The rest of the group walked back to the Hork-Bajir camp out of morph, too exhausted and miserable and emotionally beat to care that they were being reckless. I rode on Ax’s shoulder. Even flying seemed to be too much of a chore right then. Nobody said a word. Nobody made a single sound, even when they stubbed their toes or banged their heads because they’d stumbled in exhaustion.

The battle had been… It hadn’t been a _battle_. It had been an almost-massacre. It had been _the_ closest we’d ever come to death. Everybody – every single one of us – had come within a hair’s breadth of dying. James and the other new Animorphs had been busy with their own battles and could not come and help. It had been up to us original six and… we’d been gutted. Literally, in some cases. It was only sheer luck and Jake’s continuous litany of commands that got us out of there alive.

From the look on his face, however, he didn’t see himself as our saviour. Jake used to walk up straight and tall, shoulders back not because he was arrogant but just because he was open to taking on the world as best he could. Nowadays his shoulders were never not slumped. Cassie was hugging herself as she walked. I think she was crying. Rachel was stomping more than walking, face scrunched in fury and what looked like despair. Marco’s face was impassive but he stared at the ground as he walked.

And me? I didn’t have any expression in my hawk form but I knew what my heart felt like. Heavy. Hurting. Like somebody had carved me out from the inside. I was scared. I was tired. I was actually beginning to think that we were beat. And, judging from the body language around me, I wasn’t the only one. I turned my piercing gaze onto Jake’s back. He was in the lead of the procession, but I had the feeling it was only because he wanted to walk a little apart from us.

What if all of this really was his fault? He’d been the one to suggest this mission in the first place. He’d been the one calling the shots. And after three years I couldn’t help but wonder if he really was the best person to be doing that.  Something in him had cracked when his parents had been taken, that much was sure. And the whispers in the camp among the adults… We’d had so many more close calls in these later years…

“Oh, this is just _lovely_. Look at all of you. This is _delightful_.”

Everybody whirred around as fast as possible, tense and ready to morph despite exhaustion. My wings flared. Ax’s tail blade rose menacingly. It didn’t take me long to find who had spoken: he was sitting on a branch and cackling like Christmas had come early. 

“What do you want?” Rachel snapped rudely.

“I want to watch,” the Drode replied in a singsong voice. “I want to watch all of you walk home in despair. It’s _so_ much fun. The mighty Animorphs. Earth’s final hope. I’ve seen kicked dogs looking better than you.”

“If you don’t go away, I’ll make sure you don’t see _anything_ any more,” Rachel snarled.

The Drode just laughed in sick delight. “Oh, Rachel. Oh, Rachel how I _like you_. I’ll say it again: you always were my favourite. And yet right now you’re just like all the others. Every one of you is defeated and hollow. Lost souls. All of you are thinking the same miserable, weak thoughts.” The Drode turned his leer onto Jake. “All of you are questioning your _precious_ leader. Tut tut! So ruthless are your thoughts!”

Guilt twisted my insides at once. I glanced at Rachel and saw the faintest hint of a blush on her cheeks. Nobody else had eyes like I did so nobody else would notice that the Drode’s words had hit her too. I turned my eyes to Cassie and Marco. Both of them showed the signs of guilt on their faces and in their stances. It was true: I had not been the only one thinking poisonous things about Jake.

“Go back to your master, Drode,” Jake said quietly. His face was completely impassive. I wondered if the Drode’s words had hurt him. I didn’t have to wonder if they’d been a type of confirmation: Jake questioned himself too. Possibly more than we questioned him.

The Drode whined like a child. “I really don’t want to. He’ll be so mad that you all survived. He sent me here so he could have an eyewitness account of your deaths. But none of you _died_. My glorious master hates it when you fail to die.”

“Give him our condolences,” Marco said dryly, turning to continue the journey back.

Slowly, the rest of the band followed his lead. The Drode, however, ignored Rachel’s threats and continued along the branch after us, leering and taunting.

“It will come soon. Don’t you worry. Soon I will be able to bring good news to my powerful master. Soon he shall be pleased. It’s only a matter of time.” Rachel snarled but Cassie grabbed her wrist wearily and pulled her along. “The great Crayak will feel sorry for _your_ death, Rachel,” the Drode crooned. “You’re such wasted power amongst these doomed children who play at being warriors.” I could almost feel the anger radiating from Rachel.

{Don’t do it,} I told her quietly in private thought-speak. {He’s not worth it. You’ll only end up frustrated and even more tired.}

She huffed in response but kept walking. Cassie’s hand was still on her wrist, but the knuckles were white and I started to suspect she was only holding on because she needed comfort.

“To be honest he won’t care much about the others. Perhaps the anomaly’s death shall give him passing interest, but that is all. You will just be ants that were stepped on. Four ants, one warrior who sadly wasted her potential… and the dog who dared try to defy him.” The Drode lost some of his smugness. “The great and masterful Crayak will fill the heavens with his pleasure the day you die, Jake,” he promised with venom.

“Yeah, I kinda got that, thanks,” Jake shot over his shoulder without turning around.

The Drode laughed. It was not a happy sound. “Oh, little puny human _boy_. You have no idea how much the great Crayak wants you dead.”

Jake continued to walk but after three steps he suddenly stopped stock still. Then he whirled around to face the Drode. His face was that of a stranger’s. There was something wild in his eyes and for a moment I was sure he would morph and try to rip the Drode’s throat out.

“How much?” Jake demanded instead, an edge to his voice I’d never heard before. Everybody else had stopped and all eyes were on Jake. “How badly does Crayak want me dead?”

The air suddenly did a weird shimmer thing, as though we were stuck in a heat wave. Everybody blinked at the shiver, looking around wildly and in confusion. My eyes snapped to the Drode, wondering if it was somehow one of his tricks. But he was gone – the branch was empty. Without another word, Jake turned around and headed back to camp.

“Little worm,” Rachel snarled. “I should have killed him ages ago.”

“What did he do to the air, though?” Cassie asked quietly as she walked. “Was that him disappearing?”

“It’s never shimmered before,” Marco said doubtfully.

“It doesn’t matter,” Jake called back to us. He didn’t turn. “He’s gone. Let’s just get home.”

All of us exchanged a look and I could tell the uneasy feeling that Jake’s reply had stirred in me was stirring in them too.

It was only much later that I realized the shimmering air had been an after-effect of the Drode stopping and restarting time. What had seemed to the rest of us like half a second had, in fact, been stretched to much longer. Long enough for Jake and the Drode to have a private conversation, it seemed. Long enough for Jake to make a deal with the devil.

I realized this as I watched the Yeerks fall apart around me. They were done, and they knew it. Some were surrendering. Some were running. Some were killing themselves. We’d won. A group of six _children_ and a group of free Hork-Bajir had beat the entire Yeerk invasion. I could see Visser One’s unmoving body not three feet ahead of me.

But none of the Animorphs cared. Our attention was focused on Marco, on the body he and Cassie cradled and Rachel clung to with a desperation that I’d never seen before. All of us had his blood on him. Even me. Even I’d tried to save him.

Crayak, it seemed, wanted Jake dead very, very badly indeed. Bad enough to let Earth have her victory. And now we’d have to live with the consequences of his greed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random info: This is how I thought the series would end the very first time I read it. Even after all these years, this has stuck with me. It's the first one of these ficlets that I wrote down and the one that I'm actually most fond of. Obviously its mistakes are still glaringly obvious but... this one I'm almost proud of. Probably because it's been in my head for so long.


	8. Extract 8: Sleep. (AKA: The Dog-Pile Cliche)

_Ax_.

The concept of what humans called a “sleep-over” had been explained to me before, first by Marco and then by Tobias. I found it strange that both of them seemed to have slightly different ideas of what went on during this human ritual. Marco’s explanation, for instance, had human females in almost no artificial skin and Tobias’ did not.  I did, however, understand the basic concept: humans went over to each other’s houses and spent the night so that they had more time together. From what I can tell, very little sleeping actually happens. But human things often have confusing and irrelevant names, so this did not bother me much.

The “sleep-over” we had did not meet any of the criteria I had been given. And yet once everybody woke up, that was the term Marco used to describe the event that had happened. I tried to logically argue with him but in the end we agreed to disagree. Perhaps one day I will understand, or find a new word to describe the events of that night.

We had just come from another battle, and it had been a close shave. All of us had had to morph quite a few times and so we were all tired and low-spirited from the way the fight had turned out. Out of all of us, Rachel was the one who was showing the most emotion. The rest of the group just looked blank.

Somehow we all ended up in my scoop and after a while of just sitting and thinking, Marco turned on the TV and announced that the movie that was playing was a good one. All the humans made themselves comfortable as possible and Tobias perched where he could see the TV.

I thought the movie was, indeed, a very good one. But apparently my human friends did not share the sentiment. Or perhaps it was just because they were tired and we were all together. I remember reading something once that said humans feel safe when they’re with their friends and are more likely to relax when in the company of trusted people. This was especially true, the author said, after a harrowing event. I could understand this completely: my people shared the same sentiment.

The battle we’d faced could certainly be called a ‘harrowing event’. All our battles could. So looking back it isn’t much of a surprise that Jake fell asleep. I noticed because Marco started to say something to him and then just cut off in mid sentence, a very un-Marco thing to do. When I turned to see what had caused him to cut himself off so abruptly, I found Jake had somehow ended up on his back on the floor. I was not the best at human expressions, but even I could tell that the look on his face was peace. He doesn’t wear that look often.

Cassie was the next one down. Rachel’s quiet sniggering took my attention from the movie this time. Cassie had curled herself beside Jake’s form, placing her head on his chest and curling her fingers into his shirt. She, too, looked at peace. And so we left her, after Marco complained quietly about not having a camera around. After that he got very quiet and when I next turned my stalk eyes to look at him he was asleep too, curled over Jake’s feet. I couldn’t tell whether he wanted a resting place for his head – humans seemed to need those – or whether he just needed contact. It was at times like these that I was reminded that Jake and Marco had been friends for most of their lives. I looked over to Rachel to enquire whether we should do some of the “sleep-over” activities (something like drawing on faces while people slept. I never quite got the significance of that) but I found her asleep too. She was curled up on Jake’s other side, her back towards him and her face turned towards Tobias. He didn’t look that much awake, either – his gaze was much less intense.

As I watched Rachel shifted in her sleep. Her face creased and her shoulders tensed and I could only imagine that she was having a nightmare. I hesitated, not sure what to do in the situation. Did I wake her? Let her be? Rouse Tobias and ask for his help? Rachel, however, took care of matters herself. As usual. Still asleep she rolled over until her arm draped itself across Jake’s chest. With a slight snuffling noise she shifted closer to him, almost burying her nose in his neck. As soon as she inhaled once the lines of tension left her face and she slept on, peacefully. I was left wondering whether she was protecting Jake or seeking protection from him. I never asked.

I watched a bit more of the movie but found it wasn’t quite as fun when my friends were sleeping around me. So I turned it off and then gently picked up Tobias. He was still mostly awake and grumbled slightly at my actions, but I knew it was half-hearted so I continued. I managed to construct something that resembled a perch just behind Rachel’s head. He settled on it, as close to her as possible, and then went to sleep. I myself found I wanted to stay close to the pile of my friends. And so I positioned myself just above Jake’s head, content to rest there. Of course I’d keep one stalk eye open, as usual, but somehow I did not feel that this made me the watcher. Somehow I felt like the one being watched, as though there were cousins all around me keeping me safe. Nobody had mentioned that a “sleep-over” was that comforting. I’m sure that’s the real reason the humans ever thought of such a thing: the chance to watch and be watched by cousins and _shorms_.

In the morning everybody except Tobias was embarrassed for falling asleep. Jake apologised the most, doing what humans called blushing and not looking at Cassie much. Rachel didn’t have much to say, either, although I did notice she didn’t move away from Jake or Tobias for a long time after she’d woken up. I did not understand their discomfort, and would not have minded if we’d done the sleep-over ritual again.

We never did. And that strange feeling of being watched over and watching over them was never returned to me, even though I spent many nights trying to conjure it back into my dreams.

 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Fair Trade (The Crayak's Greed Remix)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1177416) by [mademoisellePlume](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mademoisellePlume/pseuds/mademoisellePlume)




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